Terms of service

Terms of Service — Gourmand Grievances Co.

"By using this site, you agree to smell delicious and file all complaints in writing. Preferably on pink stationery."

1. Acceptance of Terms

By accessing or using the Gourmand Grievances Co. website (the "Site"), you agree to be bound by these Terms of Service (the "Terms"). If you do not agree to these Terms, please exit the Site and file a complaint with us. We'll read it. We may not change anything. But we'll read it.

We reserve the right to update, change, or replace any part of these Terms at any time. It is your responsibility to check this page periodically for changes. Your continued use of the Site following the posting of any changes constitutes acceptance of those changes.

2. Products & Pricing

We make every effort to display our products — and their delicious, petty scent notes — as accurately as possible. However, we cannot guarantee that your screen's display of any color, texture, or scent description will be accurate. (Screens are not noses. We've filed a motion about this.)

Pricing: All prices are listed in USD and are subject to change without notice. We reserve the right to modify or discontinue any product at any time without prior notice. If we discontinue your favorite scent, you have our permission to be upset. We are.

Typographical Errors: In the event that a product is listed at an incorrect price or with incorrect information, we reserve the right to refuse or cancel any orders placed for that product. We'll notify you if this happens. We'll probably complain about it too.

3. Orders & Payment

By placing an order, you represent that you are at least 18 years old and that the information you provide is accurate and complete.

We reserve the right to refuse or cancel any order for any reason — including but not limited to product availability, errors in pricing, or suspicion of fraudulent activity. If we cancel your order, we will notify you and issue a refund. No hard feelings. Maybe a few.

Payment: We accept major credit cards and other payment methods as indicated at checkout. By submitting your payment information, you authorize us to charge the applicable amount to your selected payment method.

4. Shipping & Delivery

Please refer to our Shipping Policy for detailed information about processing times, carriers, rates, and delivery.

We ship within 7 business days via USPS. Not 6. Not 8. Seven.

We are not responsible for delays caused by USPS, weather, acts of God, or your neighbor's dog eating your package. We will, however, provide a pre-written complaint template for you to file with USPS. Because we care.

5. Returns & Refunds

We want you to love your purchase. If you don't, we understand. We've been disappointed before too.

Eligibility: Returns are accepted within 14 days of delivery for unused, unopened products in their original packaging. We cannot accept returns on used products (unless there is a manufacturing defect — in which case, contact us immediately and we'll handle it).

How to Return: Contact us at grievances@gourmandgrievances.com to initiate a return. You will be responsible for return shipping costs unless the return is due to our error.

Refunds: Once we receive and inspect your return, we will notify you of the approval or rejection of your refund. If approved, your refund will be processed to your original payment method within 7 business days.

Fine Print: We reserve the right to deny refunds if we suspect abuse of our return policy. Don't be that person. You know who you are.

6. Intellectual Property

All content on this Site — including but not limited to text, graphics, logos, images, product descriptions, scent names, and taglines — is the property of Gourmand Grievances Co. and is protected by copyright, trademark, and other intellectual property laws.

You may not reproduce, distribute, modify, or republish any content from this Site without our prior written consent. If you do, we will file a motion. And we will win.

7. User-Generated Content

We love hearing from you. We love your complaints, your perfume reviews, and your sticky notes. By submitting any content to us — including reviews, comments, photos, or complaint forms — you grant us a non-exclusive, royalty-free, perpetual, and worldwide license to use, reproduce, and display that content in connection with our brand.

Translation: We might post your review on our site. We might use your complaint as a marketing example. We will give you credit. You're welcome.

We reserve the right to remove any user-generated content that we deem inappropriate, off-brand, or insufficiently petty.

8. Accuracy of Information

We strive to provide accurate and up-to-date information on our Site. However, we cannot guarantee that all information — including product descriptions, pricing, and availability — is completely error-free.

We reserve the right to correct any errors, inaccuracies, or omissions and to update or change information at any time without prior notice. If we make a mistake, we'll own it. We'll probably complain about it too. But we'll own it.

9. Limitation of Liability

To the fullest extent permitted by law, Gourmand Grievances Co. shall not be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, special, consequential, or punitive damages arising out of or related to your use of our Site or products.

We are not responsible for:

  • Allergic reactions to our products (please check the ingredient list before purchasing)

  • Damages caused by misuse of our products

  • Emotional distress caused by a discontinued scent (we understand. We're upset too.)

  • Lost packages, stolen packages, or packages eaten by your dog

10. Disclaimer of Warranties

Our products and Site are provided "as is" and "as available" without warranties of any kind, either express or implied. We do not warrant that our Site will be uninterrupted, error-free, or free of viruses or other harmful components.

We do, however, warrant that our products smell delicious. That part we stand by.

11. Indemnification

You agree to indemnify, defend, and hold harmless Gourmand Grievances Co. and its owners, employees, and affiliates from and against any claims, damages, losses, or expenses arising out of your use of our Site or products.

Translation: Don't sue us. We're already busy suing other people.

12. Governing Law

These Terms shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the State of [Your State], without regard to its conflict of law principles.

Any disputes arising under these Terms shall be resolved exclusively in the state or federal courts located in [Your County], [Your State]. We'll see you there. Bring a cupcake.

13. Changes to Terms

We reserve the right to update these Terms at any time. Changes will be posted on this page with an updated effective date. Your continued use of our Site after any changes constitutes your acceptance of the new Terms.

14. Contact Us

If you have any questions, complaints, or strongly worded opinions about these Terms, please contact us at:

📧 grievances@gourmandgrievances.com
📋 Subject line: "TOS Complaint — [Your Name]"

We respond to all complaints within 2 business days. Unless we're filing a motion. Then it might be 3.

Fine Print (Because of Course)

"These Terms of Service are legally binding. So is our right to complain about them. By using this Site, you agree to smell delicious, file all complaints in writing, and accept that we are always right. Objections are welcome. But they will be overruled."